Understanding Boundaries Leads to Successful Relationships

Here is how boundaries work: I dislike tobacco use, I think it’s gross. I don’t date smokers. I don’t like how people behave after they have too much to drink. I don’t date heavy drinkers. Notice how the focus on my boundaries is on me and the action I will take to maintain them. I am not asking anyone else to change, if they conflict with one of my boundaries, we simply aren’t compatible. You can set a boundary that you don’t date men that watch porn. That’s a perfectly reasonable boundary. You can even be frustrated by how much this limits your available dating pool. That’s reasonable and normal. What isn’t going to work is ignoring your own boundary and trying to enforce it as a rule on someone after you have entered into a relationship with them. What you are upset about is that it has become a social norm for men to watch porn and this is frustrating because that activity is contra to your values. It affects your ability to find the relationships you seek. Ultimately that frustration is borne out of a want for companionship, emotional closeness, affection, and intimacy that feels safe and respectful and a fear that you will not be able to find it. Because the social norm for the type of partner you would be attracted to includes behavior that crosses your boundaries that allow you to feel safe and respected. That is the insecurity your boundary with porn viewing is rooted in.  You can resolve that insecurity two ways. You can accept the social norm and change your values. People do this all the time, and it’s not always negative. It’s not always positive either, but compromise is a part of life. The other path is to have confidence in your boundary and realize there are people out there that fit it and will respect it. You may have less choices in partners, but compatible people do exist and you do not have to change at all. In the end, all relationships are a set of agreements between two people that govern how they will help meet each other’s needs and what is considered acceptable behavior. If you are going to have a close relationship with someone, it benefits everyone to sit down and talk that agreement out in detail so things aren’t being assumed and incompatibilities can be sussed out right away.